So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
