god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He has the fingertips of a God
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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