Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I smell like Dick and happiness
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
