just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
