oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
