Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
