Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
