ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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