I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
