Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
