Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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