I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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