Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
