New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
