elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
