How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
