paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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