I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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