Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
