I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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