My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
