Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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