woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
