If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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