but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
