and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He shit in the fireplace
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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