i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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