Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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