Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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