oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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