I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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