maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
