We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
