Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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