I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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