I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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