I think I died a long time ago.
from now on my penis is your penis
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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