I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
