ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
