So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
