mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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