i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
