She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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