And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
