fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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