I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
