I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
