I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
