I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
