Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
