you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
