Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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