I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
