Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
