After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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