Im at strip club and am horny
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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