five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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