Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
