its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
