He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
