you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
