East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
