I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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